Haha! Don't we all.
Nomas's
Simple Map Modifier does much of what you describe, but I don't know if it works with raw maps.
At this point, making maps is still a dark art. I was able to learn it in a week, just reading tutorials and asking questions here.
As far as I know, there is no /loc -> image utility . . but I am able to go from /loc to ALMOST map in a single click. The last bit is doing the zone-rect calculations. Tony's tool makes that a heck of a lot easier, but it's still tougher than clicking on a magic button.
How's your programming?
